Sometimes I talk to someone who seems like a jerk – I often become annoyed, and then immediately question if I also have some of those traits. We tend to be most irritated by people who have similar negative traits that we have.
Are you aware who the conversation jerks are in your group or your company? They tend to be annoying to talk to (and usually annoying to work with). If you don’t know, then you might be the jerk yourself. Here’s some tips I’ve gathered on being a ‘people’ person – so that people don’t get annoyed working with you. Credit to Marshall Goldsmith – most of these are collected from his classes and books.
Winning Too Much
Are you always pushing to win every argument, to always be right? It can be very annoying for the other person. Even if you’re competitive, it’s ok to punt sometimes and let things go. Not every battle is worth going to the mat on. Lots of petty wins end up costing you much more than you get (you’re creating social minefields for later). It’s ok to roll over and sometimes take the L so you maintain relationships and keep things moving.
We interrupt for usually 2 reasons – 1. We are emotional and in a fight mode OR (more often) 2. Our point is SO IMPORTANT that we need to stop the other person to convey it. Being interrupted is annoying, no one likes it. If you find yourself doing it (and can be aware of it), immediately apologize, acknowledge you interrupted and let them finish their point. What you are saying can wait.
Talking Over Others
This is another aggressive conversation tactic, like interrupting. You are trying to talk louder because you believe your point is much more important, but be aware–it’s very rude. This can be exacerbated on video calls when there is connection interference, but it can make you seem like a bully if it happens too often. Remember, your information is rarely so urgent that it cannot wait.
Negatives & Contradictions
Did you start your sentence or idea with, “But”, “No”, or “However”? These are all negatives that essentially say to the other person in conversation, “Whatever you just said is wrong and here’s why.” It’s a great way to make yourself feel good at the expense of others. Even if you are right, you are saying it in a way that puts you in opposition to the other person. Choose other words that convey your point and also collaborate.
Not Acknowledging Points
If you aren’t actively thanking people and pointing out that their ideas are good / welcomed, you might inadvertently be dismissing their contributions. Make an effort to use positives such as, “thank you for bringing that up,” “that’s right,” and “good point.” This folds people into the circle and rewards participation. If you end up getting “too much participation” (rarely happens), it’s easy to re-focus everyone.
I also find aggressive conversationalists don’t like to share the spotlight. They like to answer every question or just talk endlessly and monopolize the meeting. If you find yourself the only person talking, throw to other folks, ask questions. Even if you are leading a meeting, you don’t want to sound like you are pontificating. You aren’t a standup comedian, people aren’t coming to see you talk. They are there for a purpose, remember that and share time.
Side note – most people who use any of the above techniques THINK they are smart. They usually believe everything that they say has incredible value. I have an unfortunate revelation for 99% of us. We are not as smart as we think we are. The other 1% are the Bill Gates and Zucks of this world – people tend to be tolerant of the negative behavior there because they are running 100 billion dollar businesses (but it doesn’t necessarily make it ok).
Ok, so what do I do?
Swallow your pride and shut up. You don’t have to be right, you don’t have to prove how smart you are. When you are about to talk, pause a moment. Make sure you are saying the right thing AND saying it in the right way. Are you about to say something that could be perceived as condescending? Are you getting heated up / emotional? What’s your goal in what you are about to say? How could you say it without leaving someone else annoyed / hurt?
Everyone you are working with is trying to do their best – respect the work they are doing, their contributions, and most importantly, please respect them as individuals.